Today, today I feel better. Just writing those words takes courage, I’ve sat here for the long time trying to figure out what it is I actually want to write. What words can I put on the screen that will benefit anyone reading this? And then I thought to myself what about if this blog post benefits me? I’ve recently got into journaling, just getting it all written down and out of your head is like a release, but if this does help you in anyway then that is a huge win for me.
So why today do I feel better? I have finally admitted to myself that I have been struggling with everything. I’ve had this inner voice telling me that I need to ask for help, but then another voice tells me “What do you need help for? You don’t work, you don’t deserve help. There’s plenty of parents out there who juggle working, running a home, kids, partners or who are doing it on completely on their own. You don’t work you stay home all day and have a husband who does everything” That’s been my inner conversation for years now. Our inner voices can often provide us with some really good ideas and thoughts. But most of mine seem to be a negative Critic. Before I had children at home that needed looking after, I was always on the go, I ran my own business. I was a dog walking 7 hours a day and often 7 dogs at a time, this sound so relaxing and being in nature definitely has huge benefits. But it was also very physical, alongside this dog walking I also provided small pet boarding service. I was always driving around, walking in all weathers, dealing with dogs running off, fighting and behaviour issues, cleaning and working with customers up until 11pm and weekends. So now that I’m a full-time mum what’s my “excuse” for not being able to handle what should be a simple everyday task especially as the kids are at school full time now. the guilt that I feel on a daily basis is consuming, the fact I’m not bringing in a lot of money and my husband supports us 100% is just overwhelming. I’ve often been seen looking through ads for jobs that I could do during the school hours. But then I sit and reflect, I’m 40, I’ve always wanted to work with animals or art. I’ve put everyone else before me for so long that now I need to do what I want to do, what I’ve been born to do. Like a life purpose and I know I’m made for more.
This is just a short blog about how I now work on my mindset every day, so I don’t become consumed and procrastinate. Being an artist is hard, being an artist that is also a mum and wife is double hard. I have learnt the except that even if the outside world sees me in a different way, or if my mind is tricking me into thinking that everyone around me thinks I’m lazy and don’t do anything. I am slowly learning that every time I have these thoughts, I change these into positive thoughts. And I will be honest it’s very hard, especially when I’m in a flight or fight mindset. But it does really work. I have been also having CBT through the NHS so it’s totally free and it’s been great sitting down taking an hour out of my day to talk to someone about how i am feeling. Through this therapy I have started to use different mechanisms to help with my anxiety, Journaling, Meditation, Painting, going for a walk, taking time for myself even if it’s just 20 mins to wash my face, getting an early night (my youngest is not a great sleeper so going to bed early really helps). I will be honest I still procrastinate and float about wondering where to start my day, so I have to try really hard to plan and not spend all day watching Netflix. Also trying to not feel guilty all the time, which is very hard, it’s a work in progress.
But I’m proud of myself for being honest, opening myself up and asking for help. And this is a reminder to anyone reading this to be brave and do what brings you joy each day no matter how small.
